CAR SCENE

(DURING THIS SCENE WAVE YOUR ARMS BACK AND FORTH SAYING "ASSHOLE, SLUT, ASSHOLE, SLUT..." AS APPROPRIATE.)
NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH - BATMAN!
NIX I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to   every instinct in my body. But as President, I must put the interests of America first.    American needs a full time President, NOT A PART TIME CROOK! and a full time   Congress, particularly at this time...
J Gosh, that’s the third motorcycle that’s past us NO IT’S THE FIRST, SLUTS CAN’T   COUNT. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.
B Yes Janet, life’s pretty cheap for that type. DON’T EAT THAT, IT’LL GIVE YOU   ZITS!
J What’s the matter Brad darling? THERE’S CUM ON THE WINDSHIELD!
B Hmmm, we must’ve take a wrong fork a few miles back. FORK YOU!
J But then where did that motorcyclist come from? DETROIT OR TOKYO!
B Well, I guess we’ll just have to turn back.
J What was that bang? IT WAS A GANG BANG!
B We must have a blowout, damn it! JANET! I knew I should have gotten that spare   tire fixed. ASSHOLE. Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I’ll go for help.
J Where will you go? We’re in the middle of nowhere.
B HEY ASSHOLE, WHAT’S WHITE AND SELLS HAMBURGERS? Didn’t we pass   a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use.    CASTLES DON’T HAVE PHONES ASSHOLE.
J I’m going with you.
B Oh darling, there’s no sense in both of us getting wet.
J I’m coming with you! OR WITHOUT YOU! Besides darling, the owner of that phone   might be a beautiful woman SHE’S HALF RIGHT.  and you might never come back   again.

 RAIN SCENE

(USE YOUR WATER GUNS NOW AND COVER YOUR HEADS WITH NEWSPAPER.)
KICK THE TIRE ASSHOLE! BUY AN UMBRELLA YOU CHEAP BITCH! SLUTS CAN’T READ! LIGHT UP THE SIGN PLEASE. THANK YOU! HEY JANET, LOOK OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING TREE! (FLICK YOUR LIGHTER OR FLASHLIGHT ON DURING THIS CHORUS AND TURN THEM OFF AT THE WORD DARKNESS.)
J In the velvet darkness... ...of the blackest night... ...burning bright... ...there’s a guiding   star. IT WAS A PLANET JANET. No matter what WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND   HOW. or, who you are. WHAT’S IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? There’s a light,   over at the EPCOTT CENTER. Frankenstein place. There’s a light, burning in the   fireplace. There’s a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life. ONE! TWO!    THREE!
R SING IT RIFF! Darkness must go down the river of night’s dreaming. HOW ABOUT   A CLOSE-UP RIFF? Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming into my   life. RIFF! LOOK OUT FOR THE INDOOR LIGHTNING MACHINE! Into my   life...
J There’s a light, over at the EPCOTT CENTER Frankenstein place. GRATEFUL   DEAD! GRATEFUL DEAD! There’s a light, burning in the fireplace. There’s a light,   a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life.
CRIM HEY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE? THANK YOU! And so it seemed that fortune   had smiled on Brad and Janet, and that they had found the assistance that their plight   required. Or had they?
J Oh Brad, let’s go back! I’m cold and I’m frightened? WHY DOES JANET HAVE A   CONDOM IN HER HAIR?
B Just a moment Janet. They may have a phone. DING DONG, ASSHOLE CALLING.
R SAY HELLO RIFF! Hello...
B Hi!  My name’s Brad Majors ASSHOLE. and this is my fiancee’ Janet Weiss. SLUT! I   wonder if you might help us, you see, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do
you have a phone we might use?
R  You’re wet... NO SHIT SHERLOCK!
J Yes, it’s raining. NO SHIT SHIRLEY!
B Yes!
R DO YOU FUCK YOUR SISTER? Yes... GET PARANOID RIFF. ...I think   perhaps you’d better both come inside. I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN COME   THAT FAR!
J SAY SOMETHING NICE JANET. You’re too kind. HEY BRAD, SHOW US HOW   ASSHOLES FLY. WE SEE YOU MAGENTA! Oh Brad, I’m frightened! What kind   of place is this?
B Oh, it’s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes. YEAH RICH    WEIRDOES!
R WHICH WAY? This way... FOLLOW THE BOUNCING THUMB! DAH-DUM,   DAH-DUM...
J Are you having a party?
R You’ve arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of the master’s affairs. WHICH ONE?
J Oh, lucky him.
M You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m lucky, THE BANISTER’S LUCKY! we’re all lucky!

 THE TIME WARP!

(DO THE TIME WARP!)
R SHOW US YOUR MOTHER RIFF. It’s astounding, time is fleeting. Madness, takes   it’s toll, but listen closely...
M Not for very much longer.
R HOW MANY BALLS DO YOU HAVE? I’ve got to keep control. LOSE IT! I    remember, doing the Time Warp! KICK! KICK! Drinking... ...those moment’s when,   the blackness would hit me, and the voice would be calling...
TR Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!
CRIM HEY CHUCKIE, HOW’S IT DONE? It’s just a jump to the left...
TR And then a step to the right.
CRIM With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!
TR You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let’s  do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!
M It’s so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me! So you can’t see me DO YOU DOUCHE?  no   not at all. WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE? In another dimension, with    voyeuristic intentions. WHERE ARE YOUR BREASTS? Where secluded, CAN YOU   SEE THIS? (GIVE MAGENTA THE FINGER.) I see all. OH SHIT!
R With a bit of the mind flip.
M You’re into the time slip! FUCK THAT BIRD, EAT THIS BAGEL, I’M NOT   JEWISH!
R And nothing can ever be the same.
M You’re spaced out on sensation.
R WHAT’S THE AUDIENCE? Like you’re under sedation!
TR Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!
C Well I was walking down the street, just a-having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me  an evil wink. He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck and the   devil’s eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, time meant nothing, never would   again.
TR Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!
CRIM It’s just a jump to the left.
TR And then a step to the right.
CRIM With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!
TR You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.    Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again! TWO, FOUR, SIX,   EIGHT, SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR   GET YOUR ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR! Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the   Time Warp again!
CRIM HEY GET THE FUCK OFF THE DESK! It’s just a jump to the left.
TR And then a step to the right.
CRIM With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!
TR You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.    Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again! A BEACHED WHALE,   HARPOON IT!
J Say something.
B Say... ...one of you guys know how to Madison? ASSHOLE.
J Brad please, let’s get out of here.
B BRAD, TELL JANET HOW TO GET OFF! For God’s sake, keep a grip on yourself   Janet.
J But it seems so unhealthy here.
B It’s just a party Janet.
J Well I want to go!
B Well we can’t go anywhere till I get to a phone.
J Well then ask the butler or someone.
B Just a moment Janet, we don’t want to interfere with their celebration.
J This isn’t the Junior Chamber of Commerce Brad!
B They’re probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some   more... BUTT FUCKING? ...Folk Dancing.
J Look, I’m cold, I’m wet, and I’m just plain scared!
B I’m here, there’s nothing to worry about. (SCREAM)
F How do you do, I see you’ve met my faithful HAND JOB MAN. handyman. He’s just a   little brought down, because when you knocked, he thought you were the Candy Man.   Don’t get strung out ON COCAINE!  by the way I look, SAME THING. don’t judge a   book by it’s cover. I’m not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I’m one SICK
 MOTHERFUCKER. hell of a lover. I’m just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual,   Transylvania. Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. You look like you’re   both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual, that’s not too abysmal, we could   take in an old KEANU REEVES’. Steve Reeves’ movie.
B I’m glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We’re both in a bit of a   hurry.
J Right.
B We’ll just say where we are, then go FUCK IN THE CAR back to the car. We don’t   want to be any worry.
F THROW IT! Well you got caught with a flat, well... ...how ‘bout that? Well babies,   don’t you panic. By the light of the night, it’ll all seem all right. I’ll get you a    HISPANIC! Satanic mechanic. I’m just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual,    Transylvania. Why don’t you stay for the night?
R Night. NIGHT!
F Or maybe a bite?
C Bite! BITE! BLAH!
F I could show you my favorite obsession. SEX! I’ve been making a man. WHAT’S HE   LOOK LIKE? With blonde hair and a tan. WHAT’S HE GOOD FOR? And he’s   good for relieving my HARD ON!  tension. SAME THING. I’m just a sweet    Transvestite HEY COLUMBIA CHECK HIM OUT! from Transsexual, Transylvania.    Hit it! I’m just a DIESEL LOCOMOTIVE, WOOO! WOOO! sweet Transvestite   from Transsexual, Transylvania! WHAT DO YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME? So!   Come up to the lab, and see what’s on the slab. I see you shiver with antici... SAY IT!    CONSTI! ...pation. But maybe the rain, is really to blame, so I’ll remove the cause...   WHAT ABOUT THE SYMPTOM? ...but not the symptom!
J Thank you.
B Thank you very much.
J Oh, oh Brad!
B It’s all right Janet, we’ll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.
C HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR SEX? Slowly, slowly, it’s too nice a job to rush.
B Hi!  My name’s Brad Majors. ASSHOLE. And this is my fiancee’, Janet Weiss. SLUT.
 SPELL URINATE BRAD! You are, uh. CLOSE ENOUGH!
C You’re very lucky to be invited up to Frank’s laboratory, some people would give their   LEFT TESTICLE.  right arm for the privilege.
B People like you, maybe?
C Hah! I DON’T DO LAUNDRY! I’ve seen it! GRAB SOMETHING USEFUL
 BRAD, LIKE A SHOE!
M Come along, the Master doesn’t like to be kept waiting. Shift it! DON’T DROP THE   BOTTLE RIFF, SHIT IT’S SO HARD TO GET GOOD HELP THESE DAYS!    FIRST FLOOR, STUPID PINEAPPLE LAMPS.
J Is he, Frank I mean, is he your husband?
C Hah!
R The Master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his...
 SLAVES? ...servants. SAME THING.
J Oh.