Michael Rennie was ill, the day the Earth stood still, but he told us where we stand. ON OUR FEET! And Flash Gordon was there, in EDIBLE.  silver underwear. KINKY! Claude Rains was the invisible man. BUT HE DIDN’T SHOW UP. Then something went wrong, for Faye Wray and King Kong, they got caught in a SEXUAL celluloid jam. YEAH JAM! Then at a deadly pace, it came ON JANET’S FACE! from outer space. And this is how the message ran... FREEZE!
 (WHEN EACH STARS NAME APPEARS ON THE SCREEN, USE THE FOLLOWING LINES:  ANOTHER HELPING OF CURRY PLEASE! SLUT! ASSHOLE! WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR DRUGS? KISS ASS! UGH! EDDIE EDDIE! CHUCKIE GREY, HE’S OKAY, BUT HE’S GOT NO FUCKING NECK!)
 CHORUS:  Science fiction - double feature, Doctor X will build a creature. See androids fighting Brad and Janet. Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh... ...at the late night, double feature, picture show.
 I knew Leo G. Carrol, was over a barrel, when tarantula took to the hills. LICK THOSE LIPS! And I really got hot, when I saw JANET’S TWAT. Jeanette Scott, fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills. WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRIFFID? Dana Andrews said prunes, gave him the runes THEY GAVE ME THE SHITS! and passing them used lots of skills. YEAH SKILLS! But when worlds collide, said George Pal to his bride, I’m going to give you some SEXUAL. terrible thrills. Like a...
 CHORUS:  Science fiction - double feature, Doctor X SEX, SEX, SEX! will build a creature. See androids fighting AND FUCKING AND SUCKING ON. Brad and Janet. Anne Francis stars in WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh... ...at the late night, double feature, picture show. I wanna go, oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, picture show, By RKO. RK WHO? Oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, picture show. In the back row. FUCK THE BACK ROW! FUCK THE FRONT ROW! Oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, picture show.

 WEDDING SCENE

(THROW YOUR RICE)
PH Here they come. SO DOES BRAD! Smile nicely. Parents and the grandparents, yes all   the close family. GIVE US A NOD. GOD WHAT UGLY KIDS. Smile... ...oh, that’s
 beautiful. And... ...smile.
RAL Hey, terrific!
PH Congratulations!
RAL Well, I guess we really did it, huh? ASSHOLE FIGHT! ASSHOLE FIGHT!
B I don’t think there’s any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable
 since you met in Dr. Scott’s refresher course. THEY USED SUPER GLUE AS A
 CONTRACEPTIVE!
RAL Well, to tell you the truth Brad, that was the only reason I showed up in the first place. I
 mean...
BET Okay you guys, this is it! You ready?
RAL Looks like Betty’s going to throw her bouquet. THROW IT TO THE SLUT!
J I got it! I got it! HOW WAS IT?
RAL Hey big fella... ...looks like it could be your turn next eh?
B Who knows? THE SHADOW KNOWS!
RAL Well, so long. See you Brad. THINK ABOUT IT ASSHOLE! See you Brad. OLD   FARTS!
J Oh Brad, wasn’t it wonderful? NO! Didn’t Betty look radiantly beautiful? NO! Oh, I
 can’t believe that an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe, and now... SHE’S STILL
 PLAIN! ...now she’s Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt. HORSE SHIT!
B Yes Janet, Ralph’s a lucky guy. LUCKY HELL, BETTY’S GOT THE CLAP!
J Yes!
OLD Oh, I always cry at weddings. AND LAUGH AT FUNERALS.
B Why everyone knows that Betty’s a wonderful little cook. AND A GREAT FUCK!
J Yes! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A BILLBOARD IN THE MIDDLE OF A
 CEMETERY?
B Why Ralph himself, he’ll be in line for a promotion in a year or two.
J Yes!
B Hey Janet.
J Yes Brad?
B I’ve got something to say. SAY IT ASSHOLE! I really loved the... STARTS WITH   AN S, TRY SKILLFUL. ...skillful way... WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS! ...you   beat the girls... WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS! ...to the bride’s bouquet. HAVE AN
 ORGASM BITCH! SING IT ASSHOLE! The river was deep, but I swam it.     JANET. The future is ours so let’s plan it. JANET. So please don’t tell me to can it.    JANET. There’s one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW!   damn it! Janet! I love you! The road was long, but I ran it. JANET. There’s a fire in my   heart and you fan it. JANET. HEY RIFF, KILL THAT SMURF! If there’s one fool   for you then I am it. JANET. I have one thing to say and that’s damn it! Janet! I love   you! ONLY ASSHOLES WRITE ON CHURCH DOORS. Here’s the ring to prove   that I’m no joker. HE’S A QUEEN! There’s three ways that love can grow. FIND ‘EM,
 FUCK ‘EM, AND FORGET ‘EM! That’s good, bad, or mediocre. HOW DO YOU   SPELL SLUT? J-A-N-E-T I love you so!
J Oh, this is nicer than Betty Monroe had. OH BRAD. Now we’re engaged and I’m so   glad. OH BRAD. That you FUCKED MOM AND YOU BLOW DAD. met mom and   you know dad. OH BRAD. There’s one thing to say and that’s:  Brad, I’m mad for A   SCREW! you too! Oh Brad!
B Oh... ...damn it!
J I’m PREGNANT! mad.
B Oh SHIT! Janet!
J For you.
B I WANT TO SCREW YOU TOO! I love you too-oo-oo-oo.
B&J There’s one thing left to do THAT’S SCREW! ah-oo.
B PICK A BUGGER AND LET IT FLY ASSHOLE! And that’s go see the man who   began it. JANET. When we met in his science exam-it. JANET! PLAY WITH    YOURSELF ASSHOLE! Made me give you the eye and then panic. JANET Now I’ve   one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! Damn it! Janet!    I love you! ASSHOLE SHUFFLE! Damn it, Janet...
J Oh Brad, I’m mad.
B Damn it, Janet. DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW. I love you... SPLIT THE   CROSS PLEASE. THANK YOU!
CRIM WHERE’S YOUR FUCKING NECK? I would like, YOU WOULD, WOULDN’T   YOU? if I may, YOU MAY. to take you WHERE? on a strange journey. HOW    STRANGE WAS IT? NOT THE BOOK, THE MOVIE! THREE PAGES TO   ASSHOLE, TWO PAGES TO ASSHOLE, ONE PAGE TO ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE!   AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! SLUT AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE   IT! It seemed a fairly ordinary night, when Brad Majors, and his fiancee’ Janet Weiss,   two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton, that late November evening IT WAS   AUGUST! to visit a Dr. Everett Scott KISS ASS! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE   IT!  ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. IS IT TRUE YOU MASTURBATE?    It’s true, there were dark storm clouds. DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS.  heavy, black, and   pendulous, toward which they were driving. IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU’RE    CONSTIPATED? It’s true also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need   of some air, LIKE YOU NECK!  but they being normal kids and on a night out, well   they weren’t going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. HEY CHUCKIE,   WHAT WAS IT? On a night out... A WHAT? ...it was a night out... ...they were going   to remember FOR HOW LONG?  for a very long time.